Anniversary

At the request of some (OK, ahem, 1 in particular), I am writing my yearly post (think of it as my Anniversary Special). I cringe calling this a blog, because it doesn't feel that official. It's more of a place to store little journal entries, thoughts, musings, and word vomit that would otherwise be stuck in my head. But I suppose that's what it is, and I apologize in advance for the next 6 minutes you will spend humoring me.

Having delayed this for a year is probably one of the reasons why it wasn't until noon today that I realized my blouse was on inside out. Oops.

If you'll remember, my 24th year started not so much with a bang and not quite a whimper. It was more of a timid manifesto to take a proactive interest in my own outcome. I wrote a list of 24 things I wanted to do with the year ahead. And I'm proud to say I've done some of them; and still a bit bummed that most of them, I did not (I'm still shocked I was going to church regularly for about 6 weeks...yes, that was a thing).

A younger me would be embarrassed about not accomplishing all on my list (what is it about lists that are so gratifying...and then obnoxious when you forget them at home?!). But an older me is relieved. I'm relieved that life happened, came and went, and disrupted most of my plans. In fact, I ended up doing a whole lot more than I expected, and in a completely different tangent. So in honor of that, in 24 succinct bullet points, here are all of the things I did, most of which I didn't expect at all:

1. We should start with the beginning: I finally got the courage to plan my own birthday event, for which so many wonderful ladies enjoyed dinner with me. It was so humbling, and so fun; I couldn't imagine a better way to begin a new year.

2. I didn't grow out my hair. In fact, I chopped it all of. World, meet pixie-haired Alexis. Momma like.

3. I made an apology that was very long overdue. The outcome was mediocre, but man was it cathartic. I highly recommend it.

4. I said 'Goodbye' to a lot of people. Others, I just said 'See you later.' Knowing who was in, and who was out, may have made the inner circle smaller but definitely stronger.

5. Someone very close to me with whom I have grown a part finally said the things I had been wanting them to say. It was a long time coming. It's good to be reminded that there are some people whom you will love forever, just in very different ways. 

6. I moved. Home. To Des Moines. I still ask myself, "What was I thinking?! And why didn't I do it sooner?!"

7. I lost a job, then I got a new one, and in the process, I learned a whole bunch about finding the right fit when it comes to a job and a career. Hindsight is 20/20, but that unplanned job search ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me.

8. I saw one best friend get married. And another have a baby. I love watching families grow.

9. I got a bike. 

10. Then I bought a car. All by myself (with a little lot of moral support from my dad).

11. Probably one of the more momentous occasions of the year was moving in with my boyfriend (whom I also happened to be MADLY DEEPLY in love with when I was 14 and in high school). 25 has me feeling pretty much the same, and it just goes to show that sometimes, our 14 year old hormones know what's up.

12. I took up a yoga practice, and have never been this serious about it or enjoyed it as much as I currently am. I also did my first handstand and am so grateful for the good health and strength my body has.

13. I plotted my own garden, with the help of my sister. It didn't flourish quite like I wanted it to, but we learned a lot of good lessons, and I'm excited to see our progress next year.

14. I got another cat (I know, I know...).

15. I definitely did not make 24 dishes with my Kitchen Aid, but I have kept active in the kitchen. Cake decorating classes, yeast-free pizzas, panchetta-wrapped grilled scallops, and gazpacho were among my favorites. 

16. I went camping. Twice. And my dad wasn't there to keep the boogie monster away. So that was big.

17. I swam a lot this summer. Swimming is one of those things that, although I may not be fast, I feel so much more comfortable in the water than I do on a track or treadmill. Also, nothing beats summer swimming at Ashworth Pool.

18. Speaking of swimming, I relived my glory days with about 12 other lovely gals as we synchronized swam at our alma mater's synchronized swimming pageant.We were so bad. 6 years of college and post-college diets does scary things to your stamina.

19. I have started to get more involved in my community. Volunteering for local charities or events, joining a CSA, and attending professional groups have all been ways to help me feel connected to the outside world in a real way.

20. And for the record, I did actually go to a film festival. And to a trivia night! I had lower expectations for the former, higher expectations for the latter, but both were fulfilling in very different ways.

21. I co-hosted my first ever "grown-up" holiday party with one of my best friends. All of our treats and drinks were consumed, and I fell asleep in my dress clothes. Successful, I'd say.

22. That guy I mentioned in #10 and I survived our first couples trip to IKEA. That's like really huge for both of us.

22. I saw lots of great music, including some of my favorites and others that were completely new to me. After seeing a certain band in Paris and then Chicago years back, I saw them at an outdoor festival this summer in Des Moines. It's fun to think about how you've evolved over the course of certain landmarks.

23. I got to enjoy my younger sister as an adult. We hadn't lived in the same city for a very long time, and the 3 months that I got to spend seeing her regularly, going out, laying around, having dinner was so much fun. It was one of the reasons why I moved home, and I'm really grateful for those memories.

24. I went to my first Meet-Up and finally joined a book club. Yeesh, that took long enough.

The past year was filled with moments of greatness, defeat, and just plain old mediocrity. And I loved it. Thinking back, it wasn't the highs and lows that stick out, it was the mediums that make me proud of the year I lived. A year that is filled with intent and subsequent relief that it all worked out lent greatly to my ability of letting go.


Letting go of expectations, of grudges, of anticipation, of resentment, of stress, of want, of needing will continue to be my life's greatest work. I'm excited for 25, what it might bring me. I'm also really glad that 24 is behind me. Over with, locked away to the archives. It was good, but each one gets better, you know?

And as always, thanks for reading. I'll get you back one of these days.

"Hearts will never be practical until they're made unbreakable."

Photo credit

So glad TBS is on its cinematic game today (first, Michael and Father of the Bride. Then, the 1960s How the Grinch Stole Christmas and The Wizard of Oz).

Collapsing Cake

Today I learned two things: one, that over-beating butter or eggs for a cake can cause it to collapse; two, that Mercury (the planet) is in retrograde, causing everyone to act wacky and make rash decisions and forget how to behave like adults (at least more so than usual). I suppose these two things have absolutely nothing to do with one another, except for some punny connection between retrograding cake batter and retrograding planet (I’ll take it). This means I can blame my poor baking know-how on Mercury moving across retrograde degrees of Scorpio (about.com’s words, not mine).

Check out this opening paragraph from about.com, tweaked slightly to explain my #cakeproblems:  

This is a retrograde when you might lose sight of the oven, as insight comes in that takes time to integrate the egg whites. (Cake) Layers of reality can be revealed that are shocking or unlock what's been too painful to deal with frost. The cake tin comes later, with wisdom and a full sense of full bellies.

Makes perfect sense.

Below is the "before shot" of my collapsed cake. We'll be doing reconstructive surgery tomorrow.

caving in...

Home

What do you think of when you think of Home? I imagine there would probably be clean carpets and white walls, refrigerators filled with tasty leftovers, and cable television servicing multiple tvs in multiple living rooms maybe even in multiple homes. It sounds safe and inviting and fulfilling.

Admittedly, when I think of Home, I don’t quite have these idyllic images. My Home spans many houses, some filled with my mom and grandmother and sister in a modest-sized townhouse in the East Bay, some filled with my Dad and stepmom and sister on a wooded street in Iowa’s capital, and others filled with tiny apartments with tiny rooms in cities filled with strangers. In lots of these Homes, there was laughter (so much!) and dinners around a table. Other times, there was yelling,  tears, and a revolving door of situations, people, emotions, and outcomes. To say my Home was unstable makes it sound like I suffered. But to say it was stable discredits the life lessons received.

Home for me has never been one place; it’s been piece mailed together. Home is the house I lived in when my parents separated. Home is the house my grandmother let my sister, my mom, and I live in when the first one could no longer hold us. Home is on Ingersoll Ave in Des Moines that took us in when the one before had to take on new tenants. Home is Iowa, the place in which I grew UP. Home is California, where half my family awaits. Home is Chicago, Hotel Francisco, and my bed, to which I return every night (yes, every night). Home is a stepmom and stepdad, home is a divorce, home is a marriage, home is a neighbor, home is a graduation, home is a heartbreak, home is a sickness, home is a rebirth, home is a haven, home is revered and feared, always a haven.

Home isn’t one person; it isn’t one unit. It was never a family united, and it will never be found in one person exclusively. Home is little bits and fragments of memories and hopes and thoughts and confessions strewn across a country and a lifetime. The moment the search for Home stops and we begin to recognize this moment as a little sentence of the larger chapter comprising the book, is the moment missing home stops hurting.

Going to Church

I went to church yesterday. It was weird and wonderful and uncomfortable and soothing, and all before 11am on a Sunday. I loved it and can't wait to go back.

I've experienced extreme peaks and valleys of religiosity and spiritual callings throughout my life. For the past 7+ years, it has been a serioius valley (ok, war-ridden trench) of religious rejection absence. But Sunday morning, the sun was shining (and I was sober, or at the least not hungover...are mornings usually this enjoyable?), and I found myself looking for a reason to dress up, get a coffee, and meet people who felt certain about something. So I went to a church literally half a block away (convenience is an important component to finding a calling) and had an amazing time. It was challenging and welcoming and I think church will offer me a lot of the things for which I am searching (community, servitude, purpose, volunteer work). Ok also (seriously God, you know what's up) there were two single under-28 males in the congregation. Church is awesome and I can't wait to go back.

So, there you have it. I've started embarking on my journey of 24 things. It's a list to accomplish, but it's also a path to take. I'm excited about continuing item #2 on my list and experiencing the others. <<In fact, I also began #6 (did you see the newest addition to my family?) by making marshmallows (surprisingly easy...I'd like to try experimenting with other flavors than vanilla--maybe cinnamon or crystalized ginger).>> But again, it's not about crossing items off of a list, it's about moving forward, about experiencing experiences, and about being the woman I want to be.

Speaking of, being the woman I want to be means learning realizing that you don't have to have a boyfriend to wear boyfriend shirts (or jeans! sweaters! blazers! for that matter). Case in point:

Do I look grunge?

UGHHHHH Hate that I just did a "selfie"!!!!!! I just self-combusted!!!!!

24 Things

My 24th year is quickly approaching and (thank God!) 23 is coming to an end. 

23 has been an interesting year, mostly filled with the post-post-modern strife that afflicts other young 20-somethings (think: lots of admitting defeat). I mean, not to be a drag or anything, but my early 20s and post-college life didn't exactly turn out how I expected and has left me feeling pretty underwhelmed. And I think that's mostly due to the fact that I didn't take 21...or 22...or 23...by the horns. 

Which is why I have decided to make 24 the year that defies all years, the year that I finally do some of the things I've been talking about doing for such a long time.

1. Make a screenprint
2. Go to church
3. Run
4. Save for and plan a trip to India (such as: http://www.yogagoa.com/)
5. California tattoo (meaning, get a certain tattoo that I've been thinking about for a long time)
6. Buy a Kitchen Aid mixer and make 12 items with it (one for each month, duh!)
7. Use my soil (or give to someone) to grow a plant
8. Sew (make) an article of clothing
9. Watch the "10 Greatest Films of All Time" http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/03/sight-and-sound-2012-watch-online-streaming_n_1737022.html
10. Read a book of poetry
11. Donate blood
12. Volunteer (maybe at the MS Society http://www.nationalmssociety.org/chapters/ild/volunteer/volunteer-opportunities/planning-committee--leadership-volunteers/index.aspx, PAWS, CPS)
13. Grow out my hair (this one is pretty easy)
14. Refinish a piece of furniture
15. Make a piece of artwork to hang on the walls of my apartment
16. Get a Sunday New York Times and read it.
17. Spend a day at the museum (any museum) alone.
18. Take a hike. Or at least a really long walk.
19. Go to a real Chicago steakhouse and have a real Chicago steak.
20. Spend a Friday night at a coffee shop.
21. Visit Maxwell Street Market http://www.explorechicago.org/city/en/things_see_do/event_landing/special_events/mose/maxwell_street_market.html
22. Get in touch with my Polish roots (Belmont and Milwaukee -- http://www.wikihow.com/Tour-Polish-Neighborhoods-of-Chicago, Kurowski's, Basillica)
23. Attend Trivia Quiz night (nope, I've never been to one)
24. Go to a film festival

Thinking about this list and writing them down has got me so excited for the year ahead of me! I hope to cross-off at least two items every month (of course, a couple of these might be recurring events such as the baking or the running...(ha)...or the church thing...(again, ha)). 

To all my friends, acquaintances, enemies, co-workers, and internet followers out there--I will need your help! Or at the very least, I'll need you to accept my invitation to join me on a couple of these mini-adventures. 

And fear not, I'll be writing about it all along the way...

You Save Me

If you've spent even 5 minutes of the work day with me, you know how much I love (LOVE!) Aaron Paul (Jesse Pinkman) from Breaking Bad. He's frustrating and simple, but loving, genuine, and troubled just like all of us. Also, he's super dreamy (both on and off the Breaking Bad screen) and he puts up with the evil Mr. White. So of course I watched attentively as he gave his acceptance speech for his second Emmy on Sunday night. He was so gracious, excited, and humbled. He also gave the most amazing mention to his fiance, and I quote, when he said: "You truly save me." Um, weepy eyes much?! God, talk about swoon.

But it got me thinking about what saves me. Granted, I don't have "a person" who necessarily saves me (at least not a significant other), there are a few other things that save me every single day from myself...

1. Cat Power. I don't listen to her daily. In fact, before her most recent new album came out, I hadn't listened to her music in YEARS. But Cat Power is one of those few musicians who I idolize and by whom I am comforted at the same time. I started listening to her Junior year of high school when I was so bored and confused with my own existence. The album You Are Free made me feel just that--that I wouldn't forever be bound by the shackles of 16-year-old-dom. It was also at this time that I started having a weekly cigarette (sorry parents if you're reading this). Cigarettes and Cat Power are what helped me subversively define myself at a time when I was feeling very run-of-the-muck. I think of this terrifying time with fondness every time I listen to her. I'm "stoked" to see her live (for the second time, oh yeah!) on October 28th at The Riv.

2. Skinny jeans, oversized tops, and Danskos. This is my uniform, or would be if both (a) I had enough to always wear clean ones and (b) I didn't like dresses so much either. There's just something about the way it looks--masculine and feminine, Art and Science, sloppy and modern. So I'm (definitely) probably reading too much into this, but it's just nice to have an outfit that gets you, that understands you, and that won't leave you when some other, better looking outfit comes along. Also, I like the way the skinny jean makes my butt look and the way the oversized top hides my stomach after I eat too much. And the Danskos are just comfortable, even though, as a girl in the bathroom at work once told me, they're "nerd shoes."

3. Potato chips. Not enough can be send about the beauty and crunchosity of such a food, a nugget of nutrition, health, and well-being. When I am sad, happy, hungry, full, on the go or forever planted to a couch, the potato chip swoops me up in its arms and tells me everything is going to be OK. Potato chip, you are great, even when you are bad (except for Pringles...I have a hard time even calling those potato chips...you are always bad). And, as if your tender loving wasn't enough, you often give me thirst, which makes me want either a soda or a beer, two other beautiful earthly things made in God's image. Potato chip, you complete me. You make me whole. You remind me that life is good, and in fact was never bad. 

Everyone needs a little salvation.