Dear Self

Dear 50-year-old Alexis,

You may have noticed that I've been writing more. I'm 23 right now, and I feel like I've lived at least 3 full-lifetimes already. I think that's a lucky thing, but it can be exhausting at times, and it causes me to think about the past, and the future. A lot.

I wonder about you often. I guess firstly, I think about if you will even exist. Of course, I hope to live until at least 85, but I don't want to assume anything. Once I've settled on the fact that you must be alive (you simply must), I start thinking about a lot of other little things...

Is your hair grey? Are you dyeing it? I have about 7 grey hairs right now and I sort of obsess about them. They both scare and fascinate me. Remember when hairdressers would ask if our hair color was natural?! That was so cool.

Are you fat? I know that that makes me sound vain, but I hope you're healthy. I hope you love your body like I love my body now. I hope you are active, and enjoy dressing your limbs in fun and exciting clothes. I hope that your health has continued to be good to you as it is to me right now. I hope you still go swimming and maybe to the occasional yoga class. And lots of walks and strolls and jaunts.

Do you have a family? A husband? God, I wonder what he's like. Is he cute? Funny? I hope both of those things, but not cuter or funnier than you of course. I think that we should always keep the upper-hand. And your kids? I bet they're adorable. I bet they're well-liked at school, but not like pretentious popular people or anything. I bet they're smart and introspective like we were in high school. Do they spend their afternoons on math homework and art projects in their rooms while blasting Nick Drake? You better make them set the table and make the dinner salad just like we had to. And I hope they're active too, but not like sports-active. I bet they have activities that they like to do both alone and in groups--art and poetry and biking and swimming and working.

Are you working? In HR? Isn't so silly that we work in HR? God, when I was in college, I'm convinced I had no idea what HR even was. Are you still cooking? I bet you are, and I bet you even started baking a little bit too. Are you still doing calligraphy? And are you collecting antiques? Did you inherit all of Mom's and Grandma's beautiful things? And some of Diane's art? And Dad's photographs and old cameras? All those things are so cool and I envision my urban loft with white walls decorated with all of them and some of our own creations as well.

Are you still as snarky as you are now? Shy? Abrasive? Judgmental? Loyal? Do you still like making lists? Still a clean freak? Do you still refuse to get into an unmade bed like you do now? Are you traveling? Exploring your body and mind and the world and all the tastes at the same time? 

Are you rich? Poor? Did you pay off your student loans? Do you own a house? You know, I want to buy property by age 35. I hope I can make it. Do you think about the future or the past? Do you meet with your friends often to go out and try new restaurants, see exhibits, go for walks and get fro-yo? Do you drink too much--did you ever grow out of that dirty martini and straight whiskey phase? Part of me hopes you didn't. Are you seeing a therapist?

Do you ever run into old boyfriends or friends from high school or college or past jobs? That must be kinda weird, huh?

Are you still a cat person? What city do you live in? Do you see your parents often? Are your parents even alive? Where are they buried? Do you miss them? Do you feel like an orphan?

Are you happy? 

I realize that there are a lot of questions above. You don't have to answer them all now. But if you could soon, I would be much obliged. 

Sincerely,

23-year-old Alexis